Blue Star Chronicles

This time last week I was pretty miserable and thinking about going to the ER. I didn’t go until about 1 in the morning. I had to do my Thursday Thirteen post after all. First things first. I keep my priorities straight.

I finally did go to the ER as I’m not really THAT dumb. I didn’t expect them to keep me, but they did. Although I have worked in hospitals in the past, this was the first time I had been in the hospital as a patient for any length of time except when I had my babies. That means, it was the first time I had been in the hospital as a patient for any length of time without being on medication that made the stay a little less excruciating.

I learned that I’m not a very good patient.

1. People get really mad at you if you don’t tell them you are going to or are in the hospital. I’m not good at that. What do you do, just call up and say, ‘Hi, I’m in the hospital?’ Then they get worried and feel like they have to do something. I feel like it puts people to too much trouble.
2. You can’t get your insurance cards out of your purse with a pulse monitor on your finger and IVs in your hand while your other arm is occupied with a blood pressure machine.
3. Talking your husband through navigating your purse to find your insurance cards is an adventure and an exercise in patience for both of you.
4. Just go ahead and throw modesty to the wind. It doesn’t matter. It’s impossible to be modest (or look good!) in a hospital gown and they’ve seen it all and more anyway.
5. Hospital staff say most things in terms of time. ‘This will last for 5 minutes.’ ‘She will be gone for 1 hour and 25 minutes.’ ‘We’ll have a room ready in 22 minutes’. They seem to have it down to the second.
6. A nurse who can properly insert a needle should make twice the salary of one who can’t. The place where a tube was inserted that stayed in and was used is hardly noticeable now. All the other places where another person tried to insert a tube are still bruised and scabbed.
7. When you arrive in the middle of the night, that means night shift is going to admit you to the floor. Do I need to elaborate on that?
8. When you are hooked up to a bunch of tubes and machines you can’t hop off the bed to find the button that makes the bed go up and down, so you are stuck in whatever position they left you in till you can get someone’s attention to show you how to move the bed. Unless, of course, you wake up Beloved Curmudgeon and ask him to do it.
9. The same goes for the light switch.
10. When you are sitting in a hospital room time doesn’t move. It stops completely. I know it’s a strange phenomenon, but true.
11. The time warp gets even worse, if possible, when they tell you they are going to let you go home as soon as the doctor makes his rounds that evening. It’s a very, very long time between that statement and whenever the doc gets there.
12. There is even another dimension to the time warp after the doctor makes his rounds and says you can go home as soon as the nurse comes in for you to sign some paperwork. It’s a very, very VERY long time between when the doc says that and the nurse finally comes in with the paperwork.
13. My Beloved Curmudgeon is good to have around when your sick and getting home to your own bed sure does feel good!