Blue Star Chronicles

We need men. One of the bones I always had to pick with women’s liberation is that it devalued men. I never understood why women could only be valued at the expense of men. Both are valuable in their own right. Both are needed. One doesn’t have to be like the other in order to be valuable. Each enhances the other and each increases the value of both. Throughout history, the most successful societies are those that value the contributions of both the male and the female.

We need fathers. Father’s should never be an accessory who sees the children periodically between work and golf. Mother’s can not be fathers any more than fathers can be mothers. Both are equally needed in the life of a child.

My parents were not perfect. They made plenty of mistakes, but they also did a lot of things right. My father has been gone for many years now. But he left me with a lifetime of gifts that will continue to affect me for the rest of my life.

My father loved my mother.

That sounds trite, doesn’t it? I know, but I’m often taken aback by couples who will criticize, belittle and sneer at their spouse in front of their children. My parents had huge fights, but they always loved each other. They confided in each other, they talked to each other. The children weren’t privy to all their discussions and decisions. They were the adults and we were the children, that was made clear. They went places together. They respected each other. Aggravatingly, they backed each other’s play. We couldn’t go from one and get our way with the other.

Having parents who love each other models healthy relationships for the children. More importantly it gives children a very basic sense of security that can’t be obtained any other way. At a very deep level the child’s world is okay regardless of what circumstances may be swirling around. We can fall back on that sense of security throughout life.

My father adored me

I feel like I should add a caveat. Maybe I should write something like, ‘I feel like my father adored me.’. But I don’t feel the need to do that. I can write, without qualification, ‘my father adored me’.

I’m confident enough in that fact that the knowledge that he equally adored his other children and adored my mother more than all of us put together is not something that promotes jealousy, but pride.

When we know that we are loved we are better able to share that love. You know that others being loved does not detract from the fact that you are loved.

My father taught me how to take a punch

Being a girl my father didn’t teach me to take a physical punch. However, he was a boxer and probably taught my brothers to fight. He taught all of us that life is not always fair and sometimes you have to roll with the punches. I don’t remember a single time in my life that he let me duck my responsibility because my feelings had been hurt. I remember plenty of times he told me to face it and deal with it.

My father taught me to prevail over adversity

My mother often says that children need a mother and a father. When they fall down they need a mother to say, ‘Oh, poor baby’ and a father to say, ‘Get up, dust yourself off and try it again.’ A balance of those two things help us to grow up well rounded. Too much of one and not enough of the other lead to problems adjusting to adult life.

I’m one of those fortunate ones who had a balance of firm discipline with unconditional love and acceptance. The ying and the yang. That balance had a huge influence on my character.

My father taught me not to be a victim

My father (and my mother) valued education. For Southerners of their generation, an education was the only way out of the cotton mills. My father used the GI Bill to get an education after World War II. He got a Master’s Degree. My mother went to school as long as I can remember, finally getting her degree at 65 years and her Master’s degree at 68 years of age. They valued education and insisted, INSISTED, that their children get an education, regardless of the cost.

I remember my father telling me that a woman should never be in a position that she can’t support herself and her children. It never occurred to me as a child that education stopped with a high school graduation. I paid education debts for many, many years. But my education has been invaluable over the years. And Daddy was right. There came a time I needed to not stay and needed to be able to support myself and my children. I was very grateful for my education especially then.

He also taught me how to use my car keys as a weapon against would-be assailants!

My father taught me I was attractive to men

When we are little girls we get our ideas about our attractiveness to men from our fathers. If our fathers think we’re cute and smile when we walk in the room, we grow up expecting the other men in our lives to find us attractive and enjoy our company.

My poor father. I followed him everywhere. I see so many pictures of my father with little Beth standing next to him. I helped him fix things, I handed him tools, I took him water, I talked his ears off. He told me it would be a lucky man who got me for a wife one day and I believed him. I learned from him to enjoy the manly things whether or not I understood them. I learned to listen to a man and appreciate his abilities and interests.

My father gave me permission to be human

My father was a flawed man. He was no saint. He was only a man. He did everything to excess. He ate too much and spent too much money. When he laughed, it was a deep belly laugh with tears running down his cheeks. When he was angry, it felt as though the clouds had gathered and a deafening thunderclap had shaken the house. Even so, he loved people and people loved him. He loved life and lived it to it’s fullest. He was fun and had fun. He reached for the stars and accomplished great things. He gave more than he had. He stood up for what he believed in even when it meant great personal sacrifice.

This list could go on and on. Where do I stop? A lifetime of treasured gifts from my father. Love of God, love of country, love of family, love of community, love of our fellow man. Love. Love is the underlying theme of my father’s life. He seemed to have an infinite ability to love with no strings attached.

He loved us enough to never accept anything but the best from us. He loved us enough to take the trouble to make sure we did the right thing. He loved us enough to discipline us and make us accept the consequences of our actions and behaviors. He loved us enough to teach us to reach of the ring, if we miss it, at least we tried. He loved us enough to teach us to work hard and expect nothing for free. He loved us enough to teach us that life is full of disappointments but we don’t have to be victimized by them. He loved us more than enough.

He believed in things unseen and taught his children that faith and love are the greatest gifts we have.

I miss him every day.

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See The Median Sib’s and Daddy’s Roses tributes to our father.

Hooah Wife! I highlighting Father’s Day tributes.