I was just talking with my daughter via IM when I found myself wondering when it was that I became ‘The Mother’. Its one thing to be the young mother of two little adorable rug rats, its a whole other thing to be The Mother of two grown children.
When my kids were little I didn’t think of myself as ‘The Mother’. I was still Beth …. with two little kids. I still had my whole life ahead of me and the kids were a great little addition to things.
I was still my mother’s daughter. I was still my daddy’s little girl. To make matters even worse for me, I was the youngest daughter in a large family with a lot of girls. I was the young one and that was just fine with me. That all meant that I told my mother about how things were. I picked out gifts for her to give and wrapped them for her. I was better at cleaning her house than she was. I knew more about style and fashion than her. I knew more about marriage, children and life in general than she did. I advised her. I worried about her. I hooked up her VCRs for her. She needed me to take care of her and help her. At least in my mind she did. She let me do it because she’s not crazy and it was free labor … when I was in the mood and not involved in my own dramas at least. I did my caretaking job with more than a little bit of condescension and at my convenience. I’m not sure how she managed the biggest bulk of the time when I wasn’t available. She was ‘The Mother’.
I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older that she’s much more capable than I ever gave her credit for. She also knows more than I ever admitted she could possibly have known. She had actually lived a few years longer than me and had learned a few things along the way. I didn’t know that then because I hadn’t lived long enough to know it.
Now I’m ‘The Mother’. It hit me suddenly this evening when my daughter’s im popped up. ‘Hola’, she said because that’s how she usually starts an im. As soon as I replied she asked, ‘Have you been to the doctor yet?’. I’ve been sick this week and she’s told me a couple of times to go to the doctor and I haven’t gone. I actually sidestepped the question at first, as though I was in class and didn’t have my homework ready and was trying to avoid letting the teacher know that. Then I caught myself. This is my daughter!! She’s supposed to be sidestepping my questions, not the other way around. ‘No, I haven’t been yet,’ I explained, ‘I’m feeling better today. I don’t think I really need to go.’ See what I did there? I didn’t avoid the question but I’m EXPLAINING TO MY DAUGHTER WHY I HAVEN’T MINDED HER YET!
She didn’t accept my explanation. She started in on me, ‘Mama, you need to go to the doctor. You’ve been sick a week … yada, yada, yada.’ I found myself feeling guilty and reprimanded. That’s when I realized that I had become ‘The Mother’.
I’ve sensed it before with both of my children. Its been increasing over the last few months, especially since my son has been out of Iraq. At some point in time things changed. I can’t pinpoint when it was. I don’t even know if there was a particular point in time that marks the second in which the scales tipped more in one direction than the other. But it most certainly happened because things most certainly changed.
Apparently the two of them discuss me from time to time. There was the time that they both approached me at different times to tell me that they had been discussing me and what they had decided I needed to do about a job situation I was in. They were discussing me. They had decided what I needed to do. They had decided how to approach me about it. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE and WHY are they telling me what to do!!! I can practically see them shaking their heads in sad disbelief on the other end of the telephone. I can only blame myself. I’m the one that taught them to talk.
Sigh. They are me twenty years ago. I hope my mother enjoys this because I know that she knows exactly how it feels. Its all coming back on me. They were me as teenagers and now they are me as young adults. Fortunately, they really are smarter than me and better than I ever thought of being.
February 28th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
You’re a very lucky woman to be The Mother of two gorgeous children who obviously love you very much.
And I’m certain that your mother is enjoying watching you “grow up” a little bit more. Your mom is one smart cookie, I bet she saw this coming!
February 28th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Beth,
Nice post. When my father died at 87 three years ago, that’s when I became the Dad. I understand. I never really wanted to be the grown-up, and now I have grand children. It’s a sobering experience. I have no more excuses.
Michael
February 29th, 2008 at 12:48 am
Beth, this is one of the nicest posts I’ve ever read…what a great tribute to your Mom. I, too knew more than my Mom at one time..about everything…we lost her in 82 at the tender age of 51. This post brought back so many funny and loving memories ! My children are now assuming that “adult” role…what a life ! Amusing, isn’t it
February 29th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Oh Beth - I know EXACTLY what you mean. I’m “the mother” now, too. I remember a few years ago when my two children planned and executed an “intervention” when they thought I needed it. It was touching because they were so obviously concerned about me - and because they were taking on the “parent” role.
February 29th, 2008 at 9:53 am
I think any parent of (loving, well-brought-up) adult children will see themselves here. This was well-written and thought-inspiring.