Blue Star Chronicles

I flew home from California yesterday after a happy visit with my daughter in San Diego, California. Read about it below and see photos. I’ve also included a video of a scene from the movie Mamma Mia! with Meryl Streep and Amanda Sayfried is singing Slipping Through My Fingers and the lyrics below.

Me and Newborn Amanda

I had a wonderful visit with my daughter in San Diego for the last week and a half. I decided to fly home yesterday for several reasons, not least of which is that flying on Christmas Day is much easier than flying most other days. That’s something we found out when we flew home from Germany last Christmas Day. Most people don’t travel on Christmas it seems.

San Diego is a fantastic place to visit and to live. I can see why she likes it out there. She’s building herself a very nice life there and I’m enormously proud of her. We enjoyed each other’s company, saw sights (when it wasn’t raining), cooked together and laughed together. All and all, it was a great time.

Still, I found myself feeling somewhat sad periodically. I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt sad. I decided at one point it was because it was unavoidably obvious to me that she was putting down roots there. I would have to admit to myself that she would not be coming back to this side of the country as I had hoped she would. That was part of it, but not all of it.

Our relationship has changed ever so slightly. We still love each other dearly. We still bicker as we always have. She still confides in me and I still adore her. But there is a difference. She’s grown up. Of course, that’s what we want for our children. Its what we raise them for. We raise them to leave us. But when they do, its oddly painful and joyous at the same time. Its joyous that they are the kind of adults we are proud of and painful that our little ones are no longer our little ones.

This realization swept over me from time to time over the past week or so. It was little things. Like the time she confided in her long time boyfriend instead of me. That is how it should be, but it felt strange to me. There were the times when the two of them were talking head to head about whatever and I was the parent on the sidelines with little or no input into whatever they were talking about. Again, that’s how it should be, but strange none the less. Its the fact that Christmas has changed so much. Traveling on Christmas Day is a good idea because its less crowded - but I can only do that because I don’t have little children to provide Christmas for. Its all different now and I’m having to adjust to a new and different role for myself in the lives of my children. It is an adjustment and at times, when its right in my face, it makes me sad.

On the trip home, I watched a movie on the plane. I watched Mamma Mia! I had seen previews of the movie and thought it was probably a silly movie. Its a musical based on the songs of the Swedish 1970s musical group ABBA. It had to be silly. Of course it was in some ways, but it other ways it was much better than I had expected.

The whole movie is about preparations for the marriage of a single mother’s daughter. Meryl Streep plays the mother and Amanda Sayfried plays the daughter. The plot is more than that, but the relationship between the mother and daughter seemed particularly timely for me. I actually found myself feeling teary eyed in parts of the movie. One part in particular made tears sting my eyes.

When Meryl Streep sang about her daughter ‘Slipping Through My Fingers’ I realized that in this silly movie I was hearing getting a glimpse of what had bugged me and made me sad here and there throughout my visit. Tears stung my eyes and I felt ridiculous for crying during a musical based on ABBA songs.

I probably am ridiculous. But maybe you’ll understand if you are the mother of a daughter who has left home and begun her own life. If only I could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time.

I’ve included a video of the scene from the movie and the lyrics of Slipping Through My Fingers below. The photos are of her.

Amanda Then and Now - Photos